If I Knew Then
by NY Rae
Summary: A Story of Marshall and Mary. I own none of the characters just the plot and story. Got the inspiration form the Lady A Song of the same title. Hope you like it.
1. Chapter 1

Ok so this disregards absolutely EVERYTHING that has been said in the three seasons of this show. This is my own little thing that came to me while writing another chapter for one of my other stories "New Member Of WITSEC". I hope you enjoy, And as always I do not own the characters Mary Shannon, Marshall Mann, or Brandi Shannon. I do on the other hand own the plot and story line. Thank you and reviews are more than welcome.

January 1994

I was on my way to Casper WY, via a gray hound bus from Chicago. I was sitting in the very back right corner, where no one else seemed to want to sit so I had the entire trip to watch the other people on the bus, not that there were many, only me and 6 others.

There was a young man in a Military uniform in the second row, a middle aged couple chatting with each other in the fifth row, A mom with her about 6 year old son sleeping in the sixth row, and a young woman who appeared to be sixteen or seventeen in the last row far left corner, she was staring out the window, watching the passing night.

She was the one who intrigued me the most. For some reason I felt drawn to her, like a moth to flames, or butter to bread, or a fish to water. I didn't know what it was but I couldn't stop looking at her, watching her, analyzing her. Just looking at her made my heart speed up. Even though we had never met, I felt as though we would eventually.

July 1998

As I got off the plain I was on for the last 3 hours, I stretched out. I had finally finished my bachelors from the University of Wyoming and was set to start my Masters at the University of Albuquerque. I was the youngest student attending for my masters in over 10 years, having graduated high school in what was supposed to be my sophomore year. I looked around for any signs saying where to grab my bags. I enjoyed my time on the ranch in Wyoming with my aunt and uncle, but man I was glad I was out on my own.

It was the middle of July and school started on the twentieth of September. I had made sure that I would have enough time to acclimate to the new place, get everything set up with my new apartment, and make sure all of my classes were correct.

I finally found my way to baggage claim after about ten minutes of looking. As I sat there waiting for my bags I looked around and studied the people rushing to get out of the airport.

I was about to turn around when something made me look to the left instead. When I did, I saw the young lady I saw all those years ago on the bus from Chicago. For some reason I remembered her. I suddenly found myself walking toward her. I purposefully bumped into her gently, just so I could talk to her.

"Oh I'm so sorry." I said; as he bent down to help her get her bag that fell when I bumped into her. "Let me get that for you."

"Try watching where you're going why don't ya." The young lady said, looking up at me.

"I really am sorry I'm trying to find my baggage claim carousel, but I am not having any luck. Do you think you would be able to help me? I mean if you wouldn't mind. I just got into town from Wyoming and I have no idea where anything is." I said trying to play it off as if I really was lost.

"Fine, what flight were you on?" The young lady asked as she motioned for him to follow her to a big TV monitor.

"Um. 1994 WYM." I replied following.

"Ok this board shows the arrivals and departures, and it also shows what carousel you will be at. Now let's see. It says here, that you are at 16 which is just about 4 down from where you ran into me."

"Thank you so much, truth be told this is the second time I have ever been in an airport. The first being the one in Wyoming that I left from." I said smiling slightly at the mysterious young woman in front of me. She was at least a head shorter than me, but she seamed a lot taller with how thin she was. She had light strawberry blond hair that went to about her shoulders. She looked almost the exact same as when I first saw her in 1994.

"So why the hell would you want to come to Albuquerque, anyways"? The young woman asked me.

"College, I just got an apartment and am starting at the university in August for my Master's degree." I said while looking for my bags on the carousel that finally filled with bags. "What about you, you sound like you're from Jersey."

"I'm looking for a place to stay while going to the university for my bachelors." She told me. "You're seriously going for your masters? You look no older than I am and I'm 21."

"I'm only 21, and yes I am actually going for my masters. I graduated high school in 1994. Um, this might be a little weird but I am actually looking for roommates. I'm moving into a two bedroom. I already have a years worth of rent saved up so all you would have to pay for is your food and other normal stuff. It's about ten min from the school." I said instantly hoping she would at least conceder the offer."

"Well I guess it won't hurt to look. And I was looking to roommate anyways. But before I even look I have a fourteen year old sister and I would have custody every weekend. Is that ok?" She answered the last part barley loud enough for me to hear.

"Yeah that would be cool." I said, putting a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "By the way my name is Marshall Mann."

"Mary Shannon. My sister is flying out tomorrow and her name is Brandi. It's nice to meet you." Mary said looking at my hand on her shoulder for a brief moment before removing it.

August 1998

"So Mary how was your day?" I asked her when picked her up on my way home

"Not to bad, I had two more interviews. I think I might have gotten one of them too." Mary told me as she put the thi take out we picked up down by her feet.

"That's good. Did Brandi get back to Jersey safely?" I asked.

"Yeah she landed about an hour ago and ma has her safely at home." Mary said with a bitter tone.

"Sorry, I know you don't like sending her back to Jinx, but we'll have her back here, where she belongs, at the end of the week." I told her gently taking her hand in mine and squeezing it softly.

"Wait. We'll have her back?" Mary asked smirking at me.

"Ok so she's grown on me. What can I say?" I replied grinning back at Mary.

"I would say so. Hey where are we going, this isn't the way home." Mary asked me surprised that I was not going straight home like normal.

"What I'm not aloud to surprise you?" I asked smirking at her

"I hate surprises." Mary said glaring at me.

"Don't worry this one is will be cool. Trust me Mare." I said squeezing her hand one more time. About fifteen minutes later I pulled up in front of a small lake. I made sure to park with the bed of my truck facing the water. "Come on, I'm hungry." I said releasing her hand and getting out of the truck after grabbing a blanket to spread out in the bed of my truck.

"You are one strange man Marshall." Mary told me as she followed me.

"Yes I am, but I am not a fan of sitting on sand in my work cloths." I said to her as she sat next to me, food in hand. "So is this an ok surprise?" I asked taking her hand in mine once more.

"I suppose." Mary said to me while trying to open the food containers with one hand, so I let go of her other one. "So why did you take me on a picnic in the middle of the night?"

"Well, we have been living together for over a month and I feel like I know nothing about you, except how much you love Brandi. So I wanted to take you somewhere we could sit and talk without being interrupted." I told her with a small grin. "And besides, am I not aloud to treat you to dinner every once in a while?"

"Yeah you are. So what do you want to know?" Mary asked leaning against my shoulder as she ate.

"Everything about you, the good, the bad, the scary, everything." I replied

"Ok but you have to do the same." Mary said before starting her story about her life.

An hour and a half later she was finishing up her story, "So here I am going to college for my bachelors in business management."

"That's cool. Though you seem to me the type who would be going into Law enforcement not business." I said, looking at her.

"Yeah well with everything my dad has done I'm not sure that is a good idea." Mary replied looking back at me for the first time since starting her story.

"Hey Mare?" I asked.

"Yes Marshall?" Mary asked me.

"I… Um... Would you mind if I kissed you?" I asked shyly. Her response was to lean in and kiss me softly. When she pulled back we just looked at each other for a few minutes before I leaned down and kissed her a little harder, hours later on found us laying together in the bed of my truck, with nothing on but a blanket, with her head on my chest. Her hand rubbing circles into my abdomen.

"Marshall? What does this mean for us?" Mary asked me so quietly I almost did not hear her.

"Well I think it means that we like each other and we should try a relationship." I told her. "I really do feel for you Mare. Do you remember, and I know this is going to sound weird, in 1994 on a gray hound from Chicago to Boise? You sat in the last row on the far left side of the bus and spent almost the entire trip, before I got off at Casper, staring out the window. I don't know why but ever since that night I felt a connection with you, even though I had never met you."

"I remember the bus ride, but not you. I was on my way to my grandma's house." Mary said gently lifting her head off of my chest. "That's why you offered to roommate with me, because you recognized me from a bus ride six years ago. Wow."

"Yeah well…" I said before she cut me off with another kiss.

May 2003

"Marshall, get in here." My boss said from his office.

"Coming sir." I said getting out of my chair at my desk. "You wanted to see me sir"

"Yes, have a seat inspector." He said. My boss was a man about 40 years old. He was short and almost bald. "You know how Martin Deis is leaving the agency right?"

"Yes sir. He tells me he will be leaving in July sir." I replied

"First stop with sir, it's Stan. Second, you qualified for active field duty so when Deis leaves in July you will be partnered up and officially be able to work in the field." Stan replied.

"Yes sir, I mean Stan. When do I get to meet my new partner?" I said happily.

"She will be here in about two hours. Now I expect you to behave when she get's here. I have been told she has a bad temper and does not work well with others." Stan replied. "Why don't you go get your paperwork finished up then you will have the rest of the day to get to know your partner."

"Thank you." I said as I walked out of his office. 'My first partner and it's a woman with a bad temper. Great.' I was thinking to myself as I got started on the last bit of my work. Before I knew it two hours had passed and I saw a blond haired woman walk into Stan's office.

"Marshall come in here, I would like you to meet your new partner." Stan said sticking his head out of his office.

"Coming." I said getting back out of my chair.

"Marshall Mann this is your new partner…" Stan started before i interrupted him.

"Mary Shannon." I said quietly.

"Do you two know each other?" Stan asked confused as to why I knew her name.

"Yeah from when I first moved down here. We met in the airport." I said

"Hi." Mary said almost in a whisper.

"Hi." I said almost as quietly.

"Well why don't you two take the rest of the day off and catch up." Stan said.

"Sure boss." I said then walked out of his office. I quickly collected my things then walked out of the Sunshine building as quickly as I could.

As I sat next to the building on a bench, with my head in my hands, I felt rather than heard Mary come sit with me.

"Hi." She said again, this time it sounded as though she was about to burst into tears.

"I thought you went back to Jersey." I said trying to hide the sadness in my voice, but apparently not succeeding.

"I'm sorry I left with only a note. I had to get out of here. I'm so sorry." She told me.

"Sorry for what exactly? Sorry for telling me you loved me then leaving the next morning with nothing but a note? Or how about sorry for not calling or email or even a post card in the past 3 years since you left me to wake up and worry that I would never see you again." I replied

"All of it. Everything. I just didn't know how to handle the way I felt about you and I figured if I left it wouldn't hurt as bad. But I was so wrong, just not being around you hurt so badly. I found out that there was a transfer here from Jersey and I asked for it. I needed, need, to be here with you. I don't want to hurt anymore. I want to love you again without being three thousand miles away." Mary replied gently turning my head to her. "Please, I understand if you don't love me anymore. Hell I understand if you hate me. But let me be your partner. Let me have just this little bit of you. I need you still Marshall Mann. And I sure as hell still love you."

"Okay, we can try it but I can't give you my heart again yet Mary. I just can't let you break it again." I replied giving her a kiss on the cheek before standing and walking away.


	2. Chapter 2

Ok so as you have probably guessed the last chapter was in Marshall's POV but I am changing it around a bit and this one is in Mary's POV. As always thank you for reading.

"It's Mare you dufus. You never called me Mary." I said to myself as I watched him walk away. I just sat there for hours, trying not to cry.

I wanted so bad to go find him, but knew that it was a bad idea that things would just get worst and I knew I could not handle that.

When I finally left the parking lot of the Sunshine building I drove aimlessly around the city and found myself at the lake that I remember so well. After what I deemed our first official date Marshall had taken me out to the lake at least once a week. He even took me and Brandi out fishing for a day. Even though we all ended up just swimming. This was where we first made love and where I first told him I loved him. And where I made the biggest mistake in thinking that leaving was the best choice.

After another three or so hour I saw headlights coming my way. I hoped it was Marshall. He was the only one I had ever seen out by the lake at quarter till midnight. When the truck pulled up next to my rental I saw that it was indeed Marshall. And he looked like he had been crying. I sat quietly in the bed of the rental and waited to see if Marshall would notice that he parked right next to me. He got of the cab and set a blanket out in the bed of his truck. Without saying a word he got into the bed and sat down. For over half and hour we sat there in silence. Until Marshall spoke up.

"Ya know, no matter how much you hurt me I cant be mad at you. I can't hate you like I want to. And I want to hate you so much. I didn't know if you were ok. For all I knew you could have been dead. I could not have handled that. I need you so damn much that it hurts sometimes. Sometimes I have to just sit in what used to be our living room and cry, or I would lie in your bed and just think. It's hard when the only person you have ever truly loved leaves you. And with just this little note. Just a few words." Marshall said not looking at me. He pulled out a little piece of paper out of his wallet. "Marshall, I know this is going to hurt you, but I had to leave. I just can't do this anymore. Just remember I do love you. Love Mary."

"How exactly was I supposed to handle that? Hmm? How was I supposed to explain to Brandi why she was not coming to visit anymore when she called that Friday night? God Mary I loved you so damn much. Ya know. I was going to propose on our anniversary that was 3 weeks after you left. I hoped you would come home to me. I thought maybe you just needed a vacation. I kept that damn ring in my pocket just hoping you would come home." Marshall told me.

"Mare." I said quietly.

"What?" he asked, his voice laced with confusion.

"Until today you never called me Mary, it was always Mare." I repeated a little louder.

"Yeah well, Mare is the woman I fell in love with, not the one who walked out on me." He replied bitterly.

"I'm not that girl anymore Marshall, I God I don't even know who I am anymore. The only thing I know for sure is that I miss you; I miss your useless trivia, your strong arms around my waist when we watched the sunsets, and I miss the way you would smile at me when you saw me. I miss you. Your right next to me but I can't stop missing you." I said as I felt tears start to run down my cheeks. "I don't know what to do Marshall, how can I prove to you that it was a mistake? How can I earn you back?"

"You have no idea how much I miss you Mary. But how am I supposed to believe you still love me, that you missed me. I mean there's a damn baby car seat in your rental. What am I supposed to think when I see that? That one is too small for a two year old so I know you didn't have my kid." Marshall said to me as he pointed to the cab of the rental truck.

"It's not my kid Marshall. It's my nephew. Brandi had him three weeks ago and signed over custody to me the day James was born." I said quietly trying to hide my tears. "She named you James' god father, and named him after you. James Marshall Shannon."

"Why would she do that?" He asked me.

"Because she loved you and you were the only thing even remotely father like to her since she was one." I told him

"So what has she been up to?" he asked sounding genuinely interested.

"She just finished high school. She lives with her boyfriend and his family in Charlotte, North Carolina. She moved out of Jinx's house two years ago after she filed for emancipation. She loves it. Her boyfriend and she love each other, you can see it in their eyes, but they together decided that they were not ready for a baby. He, Scott, is a pit crew member for some NASCAR driver. So they travel a lot. Brandi is looking forward to being able to go with him now that she is done with school." I told him.

"So what about James, you said he's three weeks old. What do you think of being mommy?" Marshall asked me.

"It's one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I love that little boy, he may only be three weeks old but he's my life. I didn't realize how rewarding it is to have a kid. I mean with my mom I never planned on having any of my own before I met you. But I do enjoy it." I said hopping out of the bed of the rental. As I did Marshall looked at me for the first time since he showed up. Thankful that I had chosen to wear shorts and a tank top, I took my shoes off and walked to the water line.

"What about you? What have you been up to?" I asked letting the water hit my feet.

"Not much, when you left, I threw myself into school and finished my masters in psychology by the end of 2001. Then I decided that I was going to follow in my dad's footsteps and join the Marshal's service and I just got promoted to field agent as you know." He said as he moved to the tailgate of his own truck. "I thought you were majoring in business management. What happened to the girl who said law enforcement was not for her?"

"I thought about it when I got back to Jersey. And I decided I would try for it. I always believed you when you said I would be better suited for Law enforcement. I finished my business management major and minored in Law. I spent hours upon hours trying to make sure I would be accepted into the Marshal's service. I wanted to find justice for those that had none. But I heard about WITSEC and as soon as I had the opportunity I applied and obviously got the position." I said walking a little farther into the water so it was up to my knees.

"Where did we go wrong Mary? What happened to us?" Marshall asked. He was standing right behind me. I jumped a little when he spoke, not even noticing that he left his truck.

"I got scared; I thought that our relationship was too good to be true. I did what I do best in unfamiliar situations, I ran." I said turning to face Marshall. "I will never be able to explain how much of a bad idea that was."

"I can. It was the worst idea you have ever had. Why run and not talk to me about it? Why wait until I'm sleeping in our bed to leave? And why not at least let me know you were ok. I didn't see or hear from you in four years and every time I talked to Brandi and asked how you were or where you were she would change the subject or suddenly have to go. Not one call or letter. It was like every morning I woke up without you in our bed a little piece of me died again and again until I had nothing left." He explained

"I did." I said without thinking. I was not planning on letting him know that I had written to him, but did not have the courage to send them.

"You did what?" He asked confused again.

"I wrote you every week. I just didn't send them. And at least once a day I got your number punched into my phone and was about to hit send when it would hit me that you probably did not want to talk to me." I replied looking into his eyes. "I still have all of the letters, all 208 of them. They are in a box in my new house."

"Why keep them?" He asked.

"I don't know. Incase I ever ran into you again. So that when I was old and gray I would be able to look back on the worst four years of my life. I honestly don't know." I told him. I looked at my watch, "Damn it I have to go. I'm late picking up James. I'm sorry; I'll see you at work." I said as I ran to get my shoes back on.

"Hey wait up." Marshall said as I was about to get into my rental. "Do you have anywhere to drop James while you're at work?"

"Shit! No I hadn't thought I was going to start so soon." I said hitting my hand on my forehead.

"Come to my place in the morning before work. Mrs. G. watches my nephew when he's in town and he's not much older than James. I know she would love to watch him. I've already talked to her and she agreed to if you're there by seven. She is looking forward to seeing you again." He told me as he got into his own truck and left.

"Thanks Marshall." I said to emptiness.


	3. Chapter 3

I wanted to say thanks for all of the wonderful reviews. Here's chapter 3 sorry it's so short. This one is back in Marshall's POV.

Even though I was expecting it, when Mary showed up on my front door this morning with a little baby boy in her hands I had to stare. For years I imagined what she would look like holding our kids. She glowed when looking at little James. After a few minutes of staring at her I snapped out of it and invited her inside. It was quarter after six in the morning. "Come on in. The cold's not good for James." was all I said, as I moved out of the way motioning her in.

"Thanks." She replied "So Mrs. G still lives across the street? Thank you for setting this up Marshall. I appreciate it." She told me, setting James' car seat on my dining table.

"Yes she does and your welcome." I replied walking up to the baby seat. "Wow he looks a lot like you. He could pull off being your own."

"Yeah that's what Squish said the day he was born. Scott found it funny that he looked nothing like either of them, but like me instead. I think he found it so funny because of the whole situation." Mary answered.

"Uh, May I hold him?" I asked shyly.

"Yeah of course, he should know his god father." She told me as she took him out of his seat and handed the small boy to me.

I took him and sat on the couch in the living room and Mary followed. Sitting there with James in my arms and Mary next to me was a lot to deal with so I didn't talk, just sat there thinking. About five minutes after sitting down Mary leaned her head on my shoulder and started rubbing James' head. I watched as the happiness grew more apparent on Mary's face. I know I should have told her to move her head off my shoulder, but after four years of not seeing her or feeling her on me, I just couldn't bring myself to tell her to.

At six forty we got up from the couch and made sure that all of James' things were in the diaper bag and ready to go. As we left the house, I grabbed my gun and badge off of my entry table. It tool a few minutes to get James completely settled at Mrs. G's house. After we made sure he was set Mary and I walked back over to my house and stopped in the driveway.

"Do you want to ride with me or take different cars? You have to come back tonight after work any ways." I asked her.

"If you don't mind I'll just ride with you." Mary said as she grabbed her bag out of her rental.

"Just throw that next to mine in the bed. We have to put it in a department SUV anyways." I replied as I hopped into the driver's side and started the truck.

Our ride was quiet; neither of us spoke a single word until a song I recognized came onto the radio.

Seems I was walking in the wrong direction  
I barely recognize my own reflection  
Oh, scared of love but scared of life alone

Seems I've been playing on the safe side baby  
Building walls around my heart to save me  
Oh, but its time for me to let it go

Yeah I'm ready to feel now  
No longer am afraid of the fall down  
It must be time to move on now  
Without the fear of how it might end  
I guess I'm ready to love again

Just when we think that love will never find you  
You've run away but still it's right behind you  
Oh, its just something that we cant control

Yeah I'm ready to feel now  
No longer am afraid of the fall down  
It must be time to move on now  
Without the fear of how it might end  
I guess I'm ready to love again

So come and find me  
I'll be waiting up for you  
I'll be holding out for you tonight

Yeah I'm ready to feel now  
No longer am afraid of the fall down  
It must be time to move on now  
Without the fear of how it might end  
I guess I'm ready  
Ready to love again  
I'm ready to love again

As I sang along with the song I thought about how I was ready to love Mary. Despite what I had told her I was ready to start everything with her again. I was never not ready. But I was not sure if it is the best thing to tell her, to let her off the hook that easy. The fear of never finding someone who could take Mary's place seemed to disappear because I knew that I would never have to even look. I knew that I was going to have to wait it out and get to know her again. I had to learn to trust her again. I resigned myself to become friends again and to get to know her and be there for my god son. I had to start from scratch.


	4. Chapter 4

Hey, sorry this took so long. Work has been hectic. This one is Mary's POV. Hope you like. This is five months later.

"Hey Marshall. Thanks for coming and getting him. I don't know how I would manage this conference with him with me." I said as Marshall walked into my home.

"Not a problem. You know I love spending time with him. So your going to be gone till Sunday right?" Marshall asked as he picked up James.

"Yeah. I have to go to Albany NY. I'll be gone from tonight till Sunday." I replied from my room as i finished packing.

"You know what? Why don't I just call Stan and see if I can get today and tomorrow off and go with you? I know you hate being away from James and I have family in Albany that has been bugging me to come say hi." Marshall said.

"You would do that?" I asked coming out of my room.

"Yeah. I can kill two birds with one stone. I'm sure Stan would let me off. We don't have any transfers coming in till Tuesday. I'm sure if I ran by all of our witness' houses today I could manage to get the time off. I have Saturday and Sunday off anyways." Marshall replied from his spot on the couch where he was playing with James. "What do you think James? Should we go with mommy to New York?" He asked tickling the squirmy six month old. James laughed and Marshall said triumphantly. "See he wants to go to New York."

"If you want to call Stan and find out, that would be great. I would love to be able to take him with; it is much easier for me when he's with me." I said smiling at the laughing baby. "While you call why don't I see about getting you two tickets?"

After a quick call to Stan and getting approval, Marshall hung up. "He said as long as we make our visits today before I can go with. If anything happens while we're gone he and Charlie will handle it."

"Ok. Well there are seats available but you can't get first boarding since it's the day of." I said looking at the computer screen.

"That's fine. Here's my card." Marshall said handing me his debit card.

"You get both of the seats you need for round trip for five fifty seven." I told him before typing in his card number.

"That's fine. Get the tickets. What time is the flight?" Marshall asked as he sat back on the couch.

"Six our time. We need to be at the airport by five." I replied finishing up the transaction. "Done."

"Ok why don't I head out and check on the witness' and grab a bag for me while you get everything James is going to need." Marshall offered setting a now sleeping James in his play pen.

"You sure? I can go with if you want." I said as he got his jacket on.

"I'm sure. You get everything ready that way it will be easier when I get you at four." Marshall replied. "I'll see you soon." He said before walking out the door.

"See ya." I said to the closed door.


End file.
